Family–What a blessing!
This has been a week for us with blessings and with heartbreak.
- My husband’s brother Jim died two days ago, which was also my daughter and her partner’s seventh anniversary.
- I had my birthday yesterday, while I cleaned and packed at my brother-in-law’s and tried to listen in on the court hearing for my friend, neighbor, & asylum seeker, who was detained by I.C.E. a month ago. (No decision was made; she has another hearing on Friday.)
- (I think I.C.E. stands for Incompetent Cruel Exploitation.)
- My younger daughter is going to have a baby (right now he is mango-size) and she is finally feeling a little bit better. (It’s been a tough road for her so far with hyperemesis gravidarum, severe morning sickness.)
- This week would have been the first birthday of my granddaughter, but she died of meningitis last September.
So much going on. Love and heartbreak. Heartbreak and love. They go together, don’t they? This week, this year, there seems to have been an overload of heartbreak, though.
I just finished reading The Whalebone Theatre by Joanna Quinn, which I liked a lot. It was full of family (by blood and also found family) and also of heartbreak. There was a quote near the end of the book that made me think of my grandbaby, Phoebe, so I wrote a boxy golden shovel poem using the long quotation. Can you follow it? When you get to it, you have to read the left side’s bolded words from the bottom up. (The full quotation is at the bottom.)
I thought of the day you died today. I
Love thinking of your life more, though. I thought
Only of you in my arms, not of
Leaves falling too soon. Answers to the How
And why questions are one my I–
Existence can’t know, but you, be-loved
Of God-existence, bring peace. You,
Idea-planter, dream-maker, child before
Whole hopes collapse, you are still loved. You,
The daughter-sister-granddaughter, even
Of only yesterday, such a short-time existed.
Nonsense, I say, as I look up and out and
A mile into the high heavens. I ask how
Makes one so missed. I
Course through the love
Of sweet, gentle you,
Which is harder now,
When you no longer exist
“I thought of the day you died today…I thought of how I loved you before you even existed, and how I love you now, when you no longer exist. Which of course makes a nonsense of the whole idea of existence and leaves only love.” ~Joanna Quinn
Now, since it has been so long since I’ve blogged, I’m going to use this post for double duty on Spiritual Journey Thursday and Poetry Friday. Thank you to Leigh Anne and Molly for hosting. Thank you to you, my found family here in this place.
Oh sweet Denise, I knew there had to be a full plate for you since you haven’t been blogging, but I didn’t know about all the heartache. I’m so sorry for your loss of your brother-in-law and the continued grief of losing a grandchild. The quote you chose to use in a golden shovel is so achingly true. I will keep your daughter in my prayers as she travels the difficult road of pregnancy. Healing thoughts, my friend.
Denise, where there is love there is undoubtedly heartache as well. I am sorry for all you and your family are going through. God’s love gives us the strength to go on in times of sorrow and love keeps those we have lost alive in our hearts. Bob
Denise, it was good to hear from you today. My heart aches for all the sorrow you are experiencing, sending prayers for comfort, strength, and goodness in your life. Also sending virtual hugs your way.
Thank you for joining us, Denise, with your complex tapestry of love and hardship. Your poem reflects that complexity and the depth of emotions. I’m so sorry about your brother-in-law. Keeping my fingers crossed for your neighbor and for your younger daughter’s continued improvements. 🤞 I hope you will be able to celebrate your birthday more thoroughly at a later date. xo
Oh my goodness Denise, you’ve been hit with a tsunami of loss and difficulties. Sending positive thoughts for your daughter and thoughts for you and your family through this difficult period. I’m glad you have love in your poem, hope that anchors and helps to bring some equilibrium and balance for all.
Do you know the song “All This Joy” by John Denver? It seems like the perfect soundtrack for you life right now:
“All this joy, all this sorrow
All this promise, all this pain
Such is life, such is being
Such is spirit, such is love”
Your golden shovel is an absolute masterpiece.
Denise, “Love and heartbreak. Heartbreak and love. They go together, don’t they?” touched my heart today. Wishing you peace and togetherness. XOXO
I remember reading the quote ‘grief is love with nowhere to go’ when I was grieving a family member, and as trite as it might sound, it resonated with me deeply. We have so much love inside us for the people we’ve lost, and without them around, that love just has nowhere to go. May you and your family find outlets for that love, through each other, and poetry, and prayer, and nature, and whatever else fills those holes losses leave in our hearts.
Denise, your world is full of “love and heartbreak. Heartbreak and love”. I feel your sorrow and loss enough that I lift you and your family in prayer. Phoebe is being watched by you and this little angel in turn watches you and your family. Life and death move in strange patterns. Family is the foundational piece that continues to find hope to hang on to. May your days be filled with memories of those who no longer exist in real time. The Lord is with you understanding your grief.
Sending heartfelt thoughts your way, Denise. I love how you crafted your golden shovel. I hope your writing helps to bring you peace. Hugs.
Oh, Denise! Both that quote and your gorgeous poem for Phoebe brought me to tears. I’ve not lost a baby in the same devastating way that you all lost Phoebe, but I had five miscarriages and yes, it’s always stunned me that we can love someone so much long before we meet them.
Continued condolences to you all on Phoebe and my condolences, too, on the loss of your brother-in-law. So much grief. Love to you!
Dear Denise…what a heart-searing tribute to love, especially to your precious baby Phoebe. The Quinn quote – how perfect and true. Your own astounding poem captures the depth and fracturedness of this loss that seems so inexplicable. I recall learning of this last year and have carried knowledge of Phoebe and your pain in my own heart ever since. Yet… you point us to the beauty of love…yes, oh yes indeed, it outlasts existence. Wow. I have so many feelings. And: So much is going on with your family! I pray all comfort, healing, and strength for each person you mention. I am late to this SJT party (I struggled with my post) but allow me to wish you happy, happy birthday a bit late – know what a gift you are to us writer-friends!
Oh Denise! I’m sending you big virtual hugs. That is a lot of heartache for the ones you love. I’m so very sorry.
Denise, your world is brimming with mixed emotions at present. Life often works that way and just adds to its mystery. It leaves me confused as to what I can write to adequately address your suffering,frustration and joy. I will settle on ‘I hear you because I know these feelings.’ Your weaving of words in your poem is so well done. May your poetry deliver a little solace at this chalenging time.
Oh, Denise. That quote must have stopped you in your tracks. What a brew of joy and grief, love and loss, life is. I’m so sorry for all the recent sorrows in your life, and hope that you may find what brings you solace on the continued path of grief as you mourn your sweet Phoebe, and now your brother-in-law. Is this a poem you can share with your daughter? I feel for her so keenly. Our first child lived only three days and would have been 33 this past summer. Hard to imagine. Your poem is exquisite –so much love.
Oh, Denise, such heartbreak and I’m so glad you are sharing it. I wish you the love and support you need to heal. I have a new grandchild and the loss of yours is too much to imagine. Take care. So glad you have a loving family.
Dearest Denise,
I feel your heart aches in your words -with missing Jim and Phoebe. Praying you lean hard into remembering only love as the days continue to go by.